EMPIRE STRIKES BACK :: (Abridged)

[Corrupt Shadow]

LUKE: Geez, it’s cold here!
DROID: [THUD!]
LUKE: Was that a droid? Better go make it mad.
TAUN TAUN: [“Dude! Get off and let me run!”]
LUKE: What’s wrong sweetie?
WAMPA: [WHACK!]
LUKE: …crap…

DROID: [“Look a deserted base.”]
HAN: Let’s shoot it, Chewie!
DROID: [“Oh, guess I was wrong. ALERT!”]
HAN: [BLAM!] Guess they know we’re here now.
CHEWIE: [“Duh! Think so, lazer-brains!?”]

HAN: Now that I alerted the Imperials, I’m leaving.
LEIA: Just like that?
HAN: Just like that. Kiss my wookie, princess!
LEIA: I JUST MIGHT, YOU NERF-HERDER!!

WAMPA: [“Taun Taun à la tar-tar… my favorite.”]
LUKE: Must…get…lightsaber…
WAMPA: [“Oh, my guest is awake!”]
LUKE: [SLICE!]
WAMPA: [“Noooo! My cooking arm!”]

LUKE: Just a few… more… steps…
OBI-WAN: Go see Yoda.
LUKE: Who?
OBI-WAN: Yo-da!
LUKE: Well, ‘Yo’ to you too…?
OBI-WAN: Just go to Dagobah, you idiot.

TAUN TAUN: [“It’s frickin freezing in here Mr. Solo.”] [DIES]
HAN: Great… now I can use this coccoon of animal effluence to keep the Kid alive.
LUKE: Smells like ass in here.
HAN: Shut up, it’ll keep you warm.
LUKE: …oh, yeah… DAGOBAH! YODA! DAGOBAH! YODA!

LEIA: What’s Luke doing?
DOCTOR: Taking a warm bubble-bath.
LEIA: Ooo! Can I be next?
HAN: Can I watch?
LEIA: [Rolls-eyes] Nevermind.

LUKE: Look! They had to write this in to cover the car wreck I got in.
LEIA: Yeah, thanks for making us remember new lines!
HAN: I’m leaving. Can’t stand to loose me, eh, Princess?
LEIA: Oh, yeah! Come here, Luke! [KISS!]
LUKE: Ew… felt like kissing my Aunt Beru.
LEIA: Ew… felt like kissing my dad.

HAN: Let’s get out of here, Princess!
LUKE: I’m going to try and get killed instead!
LEIA: See ya, Luke!

DAK: Luke! I’m completely useless back here! I’m surprised they even gave me a name!
LUKE: It’s okay, you’ll have an Expanded Universe story written about you to make you seem more important.
AT-AT: [BLAM!]
DAK: *Ouch*
LUKE: Oops…

AT-AT: [BLAM!]
GENERATOR: *Ouch*
AT-AT COMMANDER: We did it! w00t!
AT-AT DRIVER: Yeah, we’re l33t!
AT-AT GUNNER: roxx0r!

LUKE: Screw this place, let’s go see Yo.
R2-D2: [“It’s Yoda.”]
LUKE: No, he’s at Dagobah.
R2-D2: [Sigh]

STAR DESTROYER CAPTAIN: Look! The Falcon!
VADER: WHERE?!?!
S.D. CAPTAIN: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!! Just Kidding! That was priceless!
VADER: GrrrrrrrrRRRRRR!!!… [FORCE CHOKE!]
S.D. CAPTAIN: *Ouch*

SPACE SLUG: [“La-la-la-la-ack! I think I swallowed a fly!”]
HAN: Wow, this is a cozy cave. Wanna get friendly?
LEIA: Leave me alone.
MYNOCKS: [“BOO! HA-HA-HA-HA”]
LEIA: It’s not a cave!
HAN: Yeah, my bad. Let’s go see the guy who hates me.
LEIA: Is he a hottie?
CHEWIE: [“Ha-ha-ha-ha!”]
HAN: Shut up, rug!

LUKE: We can’t see anything! Let’s crash into the water leaving no chance for escape!
R2-D2: [“Whatever you say. You’re the boss!”]
X-WING: [Ker-SPLASH!]
R2-D2: [“Something’s alive down here.”]
LUKE: Stop being paranoid!
R2-D2: [“HOLY !$%$@~!”]
LUKE: [Blush] Heh-heh… sorry, Artoo! My bad!

YODA: Lost are you?
LUKE: No, I’m looking for Yo.
YODA: Mean you Yoda?
LUKE: No, this is Dagobah! Geez!
YODA: Yoda my name is, not Yo. Sent by Obi-Wan you were, yes? Mmm…
LUKE: You’re a Jedi!
LUKE: Yes… mmm… hehehe!

LUKE: Give me the crash course Jedi training.
YODA: In a hurry are you?
LUKE: Yes, I have a bad feeling about something.
YODA: Bad feeling someone has in every movie… How embarrassing.

YODA: Move rocks… do some cardio… concentrate…
LUKE: [Moves rocks, does cardio, concentrates]
YODA: Done you are! Forget years of training as in the old times we must!
LUKE: Works for me! I have to go to Bespin.
YODA: No…erm…wait! Training you haven’t completed. Ready you aren’t!
LUKE: I’m not ready for what?
YODA: Erm… nothing I said.

LANDO: You !@#$@^%!!! …… I MISSED YOU, YA BIG GALLOOT!
HAN: Hiya, Lando. Nice cape.
LANDO: Do you think so? I think it accentuates my lovely thighs.
LEIA: [Giggle]
LANDO: And who is this lovely lady with the fashion sense?
HAN: Cut it, Lando… we all know you’re gay.
LANDO: Hmph! Fine! Let’s go see my other guest!

VADER: SURPRISE! I HAVE YOU NOW!
HAN: …crap…
VADER: Put this mug on ice!
LEIA: I love you, Han.
HAN: Yeah… whatever… I could’ve used some action. Now I’m fridged!
BOBA: But I want him alive. He’s so soft… My preciousssssss…
VADER: Uh… right… he’s fine. See! Take him to Jabba.

LUKE: LEIA!
LEIA: IT’S A TRAP!
LUKE: Well, I can’t disappoint Vader. He made all those plans.
LEIA: GEEZ! YOU’RE AN IDIOT!
LUKE: I get that a lot.

LANDO: Let’s go Fashion Squad! We must save the princess!
FASHION SQUAD: [Lisp] Yeth’thir!
LEIA: You saved us! Thanks! What’s going to happen to you?
LANDO: I’m Super! Thanks for asking! Don’t I look cute in this cape?
LEIA: [rolls eyes]

VADER: ‘Sup, Luke.
LUKE: YOU! You killed my father!
VADER: Ah… Ha-ha-ha! Just wait about ten more minutes and I’ll explain my laughter.
LUKE: Okay then. Duel?
VADER: Yeah, why not!

LEIA: We have to save Han!
LANDO: Boba has him. He’s so cute in his little helmet.
LEIA: Let’s go!
BOBA: Mine! My precious! [Flies away]
LANDO: Well, poo!
LEIA: Let’s go. He’s taking him to Jabba.

VADER: [Lightsabers clash]
LUKE: [Falls in carbon freezer]
VADER: What? That’s it? Dumbass!
LUKE: [Jumps up]
VADER: Impressive… you’re like a monkey! [Force-throws objects at Luke]
LUKE: Stop! You cheater! I can't hit stuff traveling at 5 miles per hour! Ouch! Oof! WHOA! [Flies out window]
VADER: You’re trapped on this balcony! Hahaha!
LUKE: You’re just a big bully.
VADER: [Cuts off Luke’s hand] …like father; like son…
LUKE: What was that?
VADER: Oh…er…nothing.
LUKE: Why’d you have to kill my father!
VADER: Nope! Boy, you really ARE an idiot. I…am your father.
LUKE: …crap…DAMN YOU AND YOUR PLOT TWISTS, LUCAS! I’ll just commit suicide!

LEIA: Oh, crap! We forgot Luke!
LANDO: He’s just hanging out.
LEIA: [Rolls eyes] That was corny.
LANDO: IT’S NOT MY FAULT! Blame the writer!
LEIA: Luke!
LUKE: Leia!
LEIA: Luke!
LUKE: Leia!

LUKE: There… I have a hand better than my fathers’. Ha-ha-ha!
LEIA: Oh, Luke. You’re such a child.
LANDO: Let’s go save Han!
TROOPS: [Lisp]Yeth’thir! Yaaaaaaaay!

[ROLL CREDITS]