A NEW HOPE :: (Abridged)
Posted: Tue Nov 04, 2008 9:18 am
REBELS: You’ll never take us alive! [Gunfire] See! We told you!
LEIA: RUN, ARTOO! RUN!
VADER: Where are the plans! BAH! Take her away!
C-3PO: [Whine, complain, moan…]
R2-D2: You suck. I’m leaving you.
STORMTROOPER: Look, Sir! Metal in a desert. Has to be ‘droids.
OFFICER: Yeah, blah-blah-blah. It’s hot. Let’s go.
C-3PO: Ah! A Rescue!
JAWA: UTINI!
C-3PO: Crap.
R2-D2: Geez! Not YOU again!!
LUKE: Geez, I’m bored.
OWEN: Do my work, boy!
BERU: Give him a break. We’re old.
JAWAS: GARAGE SALE!
OWEN: Sweet! Bargain hunting time!
LUKE: [rolls eyes]
OWEN: I’ll take the annoying gold one, and the one that will explode in a second. Okay—nevermind. Give me the one I should’ve taken in the first place.
C-3PO: Thank you, S—
OWEN: Shut up.
LUKE: I’m so BORED! Can I leave now? I’m 20-something for Sith’s sake!
OWEN: No, we’re old. Take care of us.
LUKE: IT JUST ISN’T FAIR!
OWEN: IT’S NOT LIKE WE WANTED YOU! BLAME YOUR DAD!
BERU: Owen! Shh!
LUKE: Lemme clean you ‘droids up before my Uncle has a heart attack.
LEIA: “I’m pretty. Help me!”
LUKE: Wow… she’s pretty. We better help.
C-3PO: Artoo says to give him the ability to leave.
LUKE: Yeah, sure.
R2-D2: Bleep-bloop-bweep- blop! [“FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM!”]
LUKE: Crap.
LUKE: There he is!
R2-D2: Bleeeeeeep-blurt! [“Geez! Can’t I get away from that gold fruitcake?!”]
C-3PO: Goodness gracious, me!
LUKE: Where were you going? Just wait, my uncles going to have a stroke when—
R2-D2: Bwooooot-blop-bzzzt! [“Run, whitey!”]
C-3PO: Heeeeeeeeere’s TUSKEN!
LUKE: It’s definitely Sand People. Look! I can see one now!
TUSKEN: Urrrrrrk-haaaark-buuuurp! [“Stop checkin’ out my wife, foo’!”]
LUKE: Crap.
BEN: Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp! *scuse me*
TUSKENS: Hrrrrrk-baaaaaaark-urrrrrk! [“Geez! It Stinks! Run!”]
BEN: Wake up, dork. You fainted.
LUKE: Wha--? What’s that smell?
BEN: Nevermind that. Let’s go hang at my house.
LUKE: Crap.
BEN: Your father was a killer—er—a Jedi.
LUKE: He was a freighter pilot.
BEN: Pssh! Shyeah right! Here’s his lightsaber.
LUKE: Sweet, this’ll impress Cammie!
BEN: [rolls eyes]
JAWAS: *Ouch*
LUKE: They’re all dead.
BEN: No! Really?! Brilliant, idiot. Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise… well… at least for this scene.
LUKE: Thankfully… wait… HOME!
BEN: It’s too late, Luke… They’ll—ah… who cares anymore.
OWEN/BERU: *Ouch*
LUKE: [sob, weep, cry…]
BEN: You couldn’t have done anything.
LUKE: I could’ve… well… erm… Let’s go to Alderaan.
BEN: Looks, it’s a bad place.
LUKE: That fool didn’t give me enough for my pimped out ride! Blast!
BEN: It’s enough. Let’s go to the cantina.
BEN: Hi, hairy-monster-guy!
LUKE: Can I have some water?
BARTENDER: [rolls eyes]
DR. EVAZAN: I’m ugly!
LUKE: Yeah, I know!
EVAZAN/PONDA BABA: GRRRR!
BEN: [slice, dice, bzzzt!]
EVAZAN/PONDA BABA: *ouch*
BEN: Can’t leave you for a second can I, Luke?
HAN: Wanna leave, huh? Yeah, it’s pricey.
LUKE: Forget it, I’ll fly us away in… in…
HAN: Is he always like this, Ben?
BEN: Yes! We’ll see you t here.
GREEDO: Got you!
HAN: Oh, really?
GREEDO: Jabba wants you!
HAN: Tough. [BLAM!]
GREEDO: *Ouch*
JABBA: [Huttese] “Han! Hey, Han! Look! I’m on Weight Watchers!”
HAN: Leave me alone! I don’t care how much weight you can loose on it.
JABBA: [Huttese] “No, no, no… I’m not here for that. Where’s my money, punk?”
HAN: I don’t have it, but I’ll get it to you.
JABBA: [Huttese] “Aight… later then.”
LUKE: Your ship sucks.
HAN: Shut up and get on, idiot!
STORMTROOPERS: HALT! YOU’RE PARKED IN A RED ZONE!
HAN: Crap! CHEWIE GET US OUTTA HERE!
BEN: We need to go to Alderaan.
HAN: Oh, yeah. The hippie planet full of Peaceniks…
LUKE: That’s the one. We’re saving a hot chick.
HAN: Sweet!
[HYPERSPACE]
LUKE: Are we there yet?
HAN: No.
LUKE: Are we there yet?
HAN: No.
LUKE: Are we there yet?
HAN: No.
BEN: SHUT UP!!!
CHEWIE: Hrrrrrrrrrn-groooooowl! [“This little tin-can beat me at holo-chess!”]
R2-D2: Bweeeeeet-bzzzzzzzt-bloooop! [“Crybaby!”]
CHEWIE: Groooowl-hrrrrrooooaaaar! [“Let’s play Shoots and Ladder now! THAT’S MUH GAME!”]
HAN: We there now, Luke!
LUKE: YIPPEEEE!
[BLAM!]
BEN: You sure this is Alderaan?
HAN: It’s the right coordinates.
BEN: Crap.
TIE PILOT: Crap! A ship!
HAN: Crap! A TIE! Let’s get him!
BEN: Just let him go.
LUKE: Let’s go to that really smooth gray moon with the superlaser on its surface!
HAN: Okay!
CHEWIE: HrrrrrRRRRrrrrrrrnnnnnNNNnnn! [“We’re caught in a tractor beam!”]
HAN: Crap.
HAN: Quick let’s hide in my smuggling compartments!
LUKE: Oooo! Playboys!
BEN: Not now, Luke.
LUKE: It just isn’t fair!
HAN: Shh!
IMPERIAL COMMANDER: Scan the ship and report back. It’s teatime.
STORMTROOPER: Hope they save me some herbal grey.
HAN: Hey! Come up here so I can kill you.
STORMTROOPER: Okay!
HAN: [BLAM!]
STORMTROOPER: *Ouch*
COMMANDER: TK-421, where are you?
LUKE: What? My communicator is broken—erm—[taps helmet and tilts head]
COMMANDER: Uhhhhh….riiiiiight. I’ll come down. AGH! A hairy thing!
CHEWIE: [BLAM!]
COMMANDER: *Ouch*
LUKE: Be quiet, guys! Sheesh!
BEN: Let me go shut down the tractor beam.
HAN: Yeah, whatever.
LUKE: I’m going to find the hottie!
HAN/CHEWIE: SWEET! WAIT FOR US!
IMPERIAL: Hold the elevator please!
HAN: The Wookie just farted; I wouldn’t if I were you.
IMPERIAL: Oh, buy all means!
LUKE: Here we are.
IMPERIAL COMMANDER: Who are you?
HAN: Rebels. [BLAM! BLAST! BOOM!]
IMPERIALS: *Ouch*
COMM: What’s going on up there.
HAN: Nothing! It’s not Rebels taking over.
COMM: We’re sending people to get you.
HAN: Oh, yeah… well… well… [shoots comm] They’re coming, Luke!
LUKE: [Opens door… drools]
LEIA: [rolls eyes]
HAN: Why, hello, pretty lady.
IMPERIALS: [blasterfire]
LEIA: Into the garbage masher! It’ll be safe!
GROUP: Weeeeeeeeee! [Splat!]
DEATH STAR: [SQUISH!]
HAN: Crap.
C-3PO: Where is everyone?
R2-D2: Bleeeeep-bwooop, bzzzzt! [“Turn on the comm., moron!]
C-3PO: Oh, yeah… forgot about that. [into comm.] Sir?
LUKE: Turn off everything!
C-3PO: What?
LUKE: Turn off everything!
C-3PO: What?
LUKE: TURN OFF EVERYTHING!
R2-D2: [doesn’t wait for C-3PO and does it.]
OBI-WAN: [Turns down tractor beam power creating a loud noise]
STORMTROOPER #1: Wonder if we should check out that electronic noise?
STORMTROOPER #2: Nah, let’s talk about speeders.
STORMTROOPER #1: Yeah, okay.
OBI-WAN: Whew!
VADER: Obi-Wan! ‘Sup, man! Long time no see!
OBI-WAN: Kill me.
VADER: What?
OBI-WAN: Kill me… I need to be a ghost to help someone.
VADER: Uhm… yeah… sure… ??? [SLICE!]
OBI-WAN: [p0of!]
LUKE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
LEIA: COME ON, IDIOT! WE’RE LEAVING!
FALCON: [Hyperspace to Yavin IV]
LEIA: We’ve made it to Yavin IV!
HAN: [sarcastically] Yippe…
LEIA: The Empire will have tracked us. You better leave. Here’s your money.
HAN: Sweet! Later, hot-stuff!
LUKE: Leia! Can I fly a starfighter?! I’ve always wanted to.
LEIA: [shrugs] Sure, why not.
LUKE: YIPPEE!
TARKIN: D’OH! Why didn’t I think to come out of hyperspace on the other side of Yavin IV with the superlaser pointed in that direction?! Now they have time to plan something.
OFFICERS: [Snicker, giggle…]
TARKIN: Oh, shut up! It’s a simple mistake. It’s not like it’ll cost us our lives or anything!
DODONNA: We have no starships, so we’re sending snubfighters to annoy them.
PILOTS: YAY! Suicide duty!
MADINE: Yeah—no—actually there’s a plan. Do something impossibly by making a torpedo change vectors at JUST the last second to go into a chute, not hit anything on it’s way down, then hit the core.
WEDGE: That’s impossible, even for a computer.
LUKE: Not in George Lucas’ mind it isn’t!
Y-WING COMMANDER: Geez, these things are friggin slow!
Y-WING PILOT: Sir! Fighters off the starboard at—[BLAM!]—*Ouch*
TIE PILOTS: [BLAM! BZZZT! KER-POW!]
Y-WING PILOTS: *Ouch* *Ooof!* *Explode*
X-WING COMMANDER: Okay! Our turn, boys!
X-WING PILOTS: …crap…
BIGGS: What? I can’t see around the back of my ship. I think they’re some fighters back—[BLAM!]—*Ouch*
LUKE: BIGGS!!!!
WEDGE: Oop! Looks like I get to leave you all alone now. Sucks for you!
LUKE: …crap…
OBI-WAN: Use the Force, Luke.
LUKE: Wha? What was that?
OBI-WAN: Use the Force, Luke.
LUKE: Obi-Wan?
OBI-WAN: Geez! Yeah, would you use the friggin Force already?!
LUKE: Give me a sec! [Does the impossible]
DEATH STAR: [Ka-BOOM!]
VADER: Spinning’s a good trick! I’ll get you, … whoever you are!
LEIA: Here’s some crappy bling-bling to wear.
CHEWIE: Hrrrrrrrrn-rooooaaaar-grrrrrrrr! [“Wait! What about me?! You a racist or something?!”]
LEIA/HAN/LUKE: Hahahahahahahahah!
[FADE TO CREDITS]
LEIA: RUN, ARTOO! RUN!
VADER: Where are the plans! BAH! Take her away!
C-3PO: [Whine, complain, moan…]
R2-D2: You suck. I’m leaving you.
STORMTROOPER: Look, Sir! Metal in a desert. Has to be ‘droids.
OFFICER: Yeah, blah-blah-blah. It’s hot. Let’s go.
C-3PO: Ah! A Rescue!
JAWA: UTINI!
C-3PO: Crap.
R2-D2: Geez! Not YOU again!!
LUKE: Geez, I’m bored.
OWEN: Do my work, boy!
BERU: Give him a break. We’re old.
JAWAS: GARAGE SALE!
OWEN: Sweet! Bargain hunting time!
LUKE: [rolls eyes]
OWEN: I’ll take the annoying gold one, and the one that will explode in a second. Okay—nevermind. Give me the one I should’ve taken in the first place.
C-3PO: Thank you, S—
OWEN: Shut up.
LUKE: I’m so BORED! Can I leave now? I’m 20-something for Sith’s sake!
OWEN: No, we’re old. Take care of us.
LUKE: IT JUST ISN’T FAIR!
OWEN: IT’S NOT LIKE WE WANTED YOU! BLAME YOUR DAD!
BERU: Owen! Shh!
LUKE: Lemme clean you ‘droids up before my Uncle has a heart attack.
LEIA: “I’m pretty. Help me!”
LUKE: Wow… she’s pretty. We better help.
C-3PO: Artoo says to give him the ability to leave.
LUKE: Yeah, sure.
R2-D2: Bleep-bloop-bweep- blop! [“FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM!”]
LUKE: Crap.
LUKE: There he is!
R2-D2: Bleeeeeeep-blurt! [“Geez! Can’t I get away from that gold fruitcake?!”]
C-3PO: Goodness gracious, me!
LUKE: Where were you going? Just wait, my uncles going to have a stroke when—
R2-D2: Bwooooot-blop-bzzzt! [“Run, whitey!”]
C-3PO: Heeeeeeeeere’s TUSKEN!
LUKE: It’s definitely Sand People. Look! I can see one now!
TUSKEN: Urrrrrrk-haaaark-buuuurp! [“Stop checkin’ out my wife, foo’!”]
LUKE: Crap.
BEN: Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp! *scuse me*
TUSKENS: Hrrrrrk-baaaaaaark-urrrrrk! [“Geez! It Stinks! Run!”]
BEN: Wake up, dork. You fainted.
LUKE: Wha--? What’s that smell?
BEN: Nevermind that. Let’s go hang at my house.
LUKE: Crap.
BEN: Your father was a killer—er—a Jedi.
LUKE: He was a freighter pilot.
BEN: Pssh! Shyeah right! Here’s his lightsaber.
LUKE: Sweet, this’ll impress Cammie!
BEN: [rolls eyes]
JAWAS: *Ouch*
LUKE: They’re all dead.
BEN: No! Really?! Brilliant, idiot. Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise… well… at least for this scene.
LUKE: Thankfully… wait… HOME!
BEN: It’s too late, Luke… They’ll—ah… who cares anymore.
OWEN/BERU: *Ouch*
LUKE: [sob, weep, cry…]
BEN: You couldn’t have done anything.
LUKE: I could’ve… well… erm… Let’s go to Alderaan.
BEN: Looks, it’s a bad place.
LUKE: That fool didn’t give me enough for my pimped out ride! Blast!
BEN: It’s enough. Let’s go to the cantina.
BEN: Hi, hairy-monster-guy!
LUKE: Can I have some water?
BARTENDER: [rolls eyes]
DR. EVAZAN: I’m ugly!
LUKE: Yeah, I know!
EVAZAN/PONDA BABA: GRRRR!
BEN: [slice, dice, bzzzt!]
EVAZAN/PONDA BABA: *ouch*
BEN: Can’t leave you for a second can I, Luke?
HAN: Wanna leave, huh? Yeah, it’s pricey.
LUKE: Forget it, I’ll fly us away in… in…
HAN: Is he always like this, Ben?
BEN: Yes! We’ll see you t here.
GREEDO: Got you!
HAN: Oh, really?
GREEDO: Jabba wants you!
HAN: Tough. [BLAM!]
GREEDO: *Ouch*
JABBA: [Huttese] “Han! Hey, Han! Look! I’m on Weight Watchers!”
HAN: Leave me alone! I don’t care how much weight you can loose on it.
JABBA: [Huttese] “No, no, no… I’m not here for that. Where’s my money, punk?”
HAN: I don’t have it, but I’ll get it to you.
JABBA: [Huttese] “Aight… later then.”
LUKE: Your ship sucks.
HAN: Shut up and get on, idiot!
STORMTROOPERS: HALT! YOU’RE PARKED IN A RED ZONE!
HAN: Crap! CHEWIE GET US OUTTA HERE!
BEN: We need to go to Alderaan.
HAN: Oh, yeah. The hippie planet full of Peaceniks…
LUKE: That’s the one. We’re saving a hot chick.
HAN: Sweet!
[HYPERSPACE]
LUKE: Are we there yet?
HAN: No.
LUKE: Are we there yet?
HAN: No.
LUKE: Are we there yet?
HAN: No.
BEN: SHUT UP!!!
CHEWIE: Hrrrrrrrrrn-groooooowl! [“This little tin-can beat me at holo-chess!”]
R2-D2: Bweeeeeet-bzzzzzzzt-bloooop! [“Crybaby!”]
CHEWIE: Groooowl-hrrrrrooooaaaar! [“Let’s play Shoots and Ladder now! THAT’S MUH GAME!”]
HAN: We there now, Luke!
LUKE: YIPPEEEE!
[BLAM!]
BEN: You sure this is Alderaan?
HAN: It’s the right coordinates.
BEN: Crap.
TIE PILOT: Crap! A ship!
HAN: Crap! A TIE! Let’s get him!
BEN: Just let him go.
LUKE: Let’s go to that really smooth gray moon with the superlaser on its surface!
HAN: Okay!
CHEWIE: HrrrrrRRRRrrrrrrrnnnnnNNNnnn! [“We’re caught in a tractor beam!”]
HAN: Crap.
HAN: Quick let’s hide in my smuggling compartments!
LUKE: Oooo! Playboys!
BEN: Not now, Luke.
LUKE: It just isn’t fair!
HAN: Shh!
IMPERIAL COMMANDER: Scan the ship and report back. It’s teatime.
STORMTROOPER: Hope they save me some herbal grey.
HAN: Hey! Come up here so I can kill you.
STORMTROOPER: Okay!
HAN: [BLAM!]
STORMTROOPER: *Ouch*
COMMANDER: TK-421, where are you?
LUKE: What? My communicator is broken—erm—[taps helmet and tilts head]
COMMANDER: Uhhhhh….riiiiiight. I’ll come down. AGH! A hairy thing!
CHEWIE: [BLAM!]
COMMANDER: *Ouch*
LUKE: Be quiet, guys! Sheesh!
BEN: Let me go shut down the tractor beam.
HAN: Yeah, whatever.
LUKE: I’m going to find the hottie!
HAN/CHEWIE: SWEET! WAIT FOR US!
IMPERIAL: Hold the elevator please!
HAN: The Wookie just farted; I wouldn’t if I were you.
IMPERIAL: Oh, buy all means!
LUKE: Here we are.
IMPERIAL COMMANDER: Who are you?
HAN: Rebels. [BLAM! BLAST! BOOM!]
IMPERIALS: *Ouch*
COMM: What’s going on up there.
HAN: Nothing! It’s not Rebels taking over.
COMM: We’re sending people to get you.
HAN: Oh, yeah… well… well… [shoots comm] They’re coming, Luke!
LUKE: [Opens door… drools]
LEIA: [rolls eyes]
HAN: Why, hello, pretty lady.
IMPERIALS: [blasterfire]
LEIA: Into the garbage masher! It’ll be safe!
GROUP: Weeeeeeeeee! [Splat!]
DEATH STAR: [SQUISH!]
HAN: Crap.
C-3PO: Where is everyone?
R2-D2: Bleeeeep-bwooop, bzzzzt! [“Turn on the comm., moron!]
C-3PO: Oh, yeah… forgot about that. [into comm.] Sir?
LUKE: Turn off everything!
C-3PO: What?
LUKE: Turn off everything!
C-3PO: What?
LUKE: TURN OFF EVERYTHING!
R2-D2: [doesn’t wait for C-3PO and does it.]
OBI-WAN: [Turns down tractor beam power creating a loud noise]
STORMTROOPER #1: Wonder if we should check out that electronic noise?
STORMTROOPER #2: Nah, let’s talk about speeders.
STORMTROOPER #1: Yeah, okay.
OBI-WAN: Whew!
VADER: Obi-Wan! ‘Sup, man! Long time no see!
OBI-WAN: Kill me.
VADER: What?
OBI-WAN: Kill me… I need to be a ghost to help someone.
VADER: Uhm… yeah… sure… ??? [SLICE!]
OBI-WAN: [p0of!]
LUKE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
LEIA: COME ON, IDIOT! WE’RE LEAVING!
FALCON: [Hyperspace to Yavin IV]
LEIA: We’ve made it to Yavin IV!
HAN: [sarcastically] Yippe…
LEIA: The Empire will have tracked us. You better leave. Here’s your money.
HAN: Sweet! Later, hot-stuff!
LUKE: Leia! Can I fly a starfighter?! I’ve always wanted to.
LEIA: [shrugs] Sure, why not.
LUKE: YIPPEE!
TARKIN: D’OH! Why didn’t I think to come out of hyperspace on the other side of Yavin IV with the superlaser pointed in that direction?! Now they have time to plan something.
OFFICERS: [Snicker, giggle…]
TARKIN: Oh, shut up! It’s a simple mistake. It’s not like it’ll cost us our lives or anything!
DODONNA: We have no starships, so we’re sending snubfighters to annoy them.
PILOTS: YAY! Suicide duty!
MADINE: Yeah—no—actually there’s a plan. Do something impossibly by making a torpedo change vectors at JUST the last second to go into a chute, not hit anything on it’s way down, then hit the core.
WEDGE: That’s impossible, even for a computer.
LUKE: Not in George Lucas’ mind it isn’t!
Y-WING COMMANDER: Geez, these things are friggin slow!
Y-WING PILOT: Sir! Fighters off the starboard at—[BLAM!]—*Ouch*
TIE PILOTS: [BLAM! BZZZT! KER-POW!]
Y-WING PILOTS: *Ouch* *Ooof!* *Explode*
X-WING COMMANDER: Okay! Our turn, boys!
X-WING PILOTS: …crap…
BIGGS: What? I can’t see around the back of my ship. I think they’re some fighters back—[BLAM!]—*Ouch*
LUKE: BIGGS!!!!
WEDGE: Oop! Looks like I get to leave you all alone now. Sucks for you!
LUKE: …crap…
OBI-WAN: Use the Force, Luke.
LUKE: Wha? What was that?
OBI-WAN: Use the Force, Luke.
LUKE: Obi-Wan?
OBI-WAN: Geez! Yeah, would you use the friggin Force already?!
LUKE: Give me a sec! [Does the impossible]
DEATH STAR: [Ka-BOOM!]
VADER: Spinning’s a good trick! I’ll get you, … whoever you are!
LEIA: Here’s some crappy bling-bling to wear.
CHEWIE: Hrrrrrrrrn-rooooaaaar-grrrrrrrr! [“Wait! What about me?! You a racist or something?!”]
LEIA/HAN/LUKE: Hahahahahahahahah!
[FADE TO CREDITS]