RETURN OF THE JEDI :: (Abridged)

[Corrupt Shadow]

MOFF JERJERROD: Welcome to the DS2, Lord Vader.
VADER: Blah-blah-blah… Shut up. My boss sent me here to baby-sit. Just leave me alone.
JERJERROD: Oh, okay… as long as we don’t get in trouble.
VADER: OH! I FORGOT! The Emperor is coming later!
JERJERROD: …crap…

JABBA’S DOOR: [“Who the hell are you?”]
C3-PO: We’re droids.
DOOR: [“Really? No crap!”]
C3-PO: We’re here to place a lightsaber into Jabba’s Palace in the attempt to save Han Solo.
DOOR: [“… … okay. Come on in!”]

JABBA: [“Hey, sexy! Wanna hug a slug?”]
OOLA: [“No, you’re all nasty and stuff!”]
JABBA: [“You sure? We can use this chain in interesting ways.”]
OOLA: [“EWW! You’re vile!”]
JABBA: [“Fine then, ho! SPIKE! Dinner time!”]
RANCOR: [“Mmm… twi’leck!”]
OOLA: *Ouch*

BOUSHH: [“Here’s the Wookie. Give me money.”]
JABBA: [“No… just leave.”]
BOUSHH: [“I’ll blow us up!”]
JABBA: [“Fine… geez!”]

JABBA: [“…zzzZZZzzz…”]
BOUSHH: Wake up, Han.
HAN: I can’t see!
BOUSHH: Shhhh!
HAN: Who are you?
LEIA: Your biatch!
HAN: Sweeeeeeeeet!
JABBA: [“You fell for the trap!”]
HAN/LEIA: …crap…

LUKE: I’ve come to free my friends.
JABBA: [“You’re an idiot.”]
LUKE: Will people stop calling me that! I’m grown up and mature now!
JABBA: [“SPIKE! Desert!”]
RANCOR: [“Mmmmm! JEDI!”]
DOOR: [CRASH!]
RANCOR: *Ouch*

JABBA: [“I’m going to kill you all!”]
HAN: Yeah, like we haven’t heard that before!
JABBA: [“To the Sarlaac!”]
HAN: The what-now?
LUKE: A creature that looks like a plastic tube with sand around it.
HAN: Oh… not to bad then.
LUKE: Oh—it also has tentacles.
HAN: [Shudders] …crap…

HAN: Hey! I can see! Oh, wait… no I can’t.
LUKE: Don’t worry, I have a lightsaber and the plan I made.
HAN: Wait… you made the plan?
LUKE: Yep!
HAN: …crap…

JABBA: [“I’m dead sexy! Look at mah sexy bo-day!”]
LEIA: Eww… you’re repulsive.
JABBA: [“Yeah, I get that a lot. Check out my tongue, baby!”]
LEIA: [Retches]

JABBA: [“Are you guys ready to die now?”]
HAN: I have one thing to say to you, Jabba!
JABBA: [“Ah, to beg for mercy, eh?”]
HAN: No, just to say that you should never have quit Weight Watchers… you’ve let yourself go to hell in a matter of a few years…
JABBA: [“ I know! I eat because I’m lazy; and I’m lazy because I eat. It’s a vicious cycle.”]
LUKE: Let me help you, Jabba.
JABBA: [“Gah! Who cares?! I’m rich! Throw them in!”]

LUKE STUNTMAN: CANNONBALL! [BOING!]
R2-D2: [“Here’s your saber, dude!”]
LUKE: [Ignites saber]
SKIFF CREW: Oooooo… green… pretty…
LUKE: [SLICE!]
SKIFF CREW: *Ouch*

SKIFF GUNMAN: [BLAM!]
LANDO: Oh, I fell ovah!
SKIFF GUNMAN: [BLAT!]
LANDO: Oh, I fell ovah again! Help me, Han, you silly boy! I’m too pretty to die!
BOBA: My precioussssssssss…
HAN: Who? What-what! Oops… I hit you.
BOBA: MY PRECIOUS IS LOST! NOOOOOOO—*Ouch*
LANDO: Shame! He looked so cute in his little helmet!

LEIA: [Wraps chain around Jabba] How’s this for S&M, you sick freak!?
JABBA: Ack! Ghck! Whuch!
LEIA: Geez! Your neck rolls are getting in the way. Eww…
JABBA: [Dies]
LEIA: Bout time. LUKE!
LUKE: Geez, she’s hot in that bikini. Check out her—
LEIA: Let’s get out of here.
LUKE: Yeah, okay. Grab the droids.

LEIA: Coming to the fleet?
LUKE: Nope, I have to go see, Yo.
LEIA: [rolls eyes] Luke… it’s YO-DA.
LUKE: [sighs] How many times do I have to tell you people this? He’s on Dagobah, not Yoda.
LEIA: [groans] I give up. See you at the fleet.

LUKE: Geez, you're old.
YODA: Well, duh! 900 years old am I!
LUKE: Is Vader my father?
YODA: Your father he is.
LUKE: THAT'S NOT TRUE! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE! NOOOOOO—
YODA: Oh, shut up. He turned to the darkside and became Vader.
LUKE: Don't worry, I won't confuse things and ask who my mother was.
YODA: Good, don't ask about your sis—[dies]
LUKE: Oh, well... lemme leave.

BEN SPIRIT: You have a sister?
LUKE: No, I don't.
BEN: You have a twin. And you know her.
LUKE: Funny, no woman I know looks anything like me.
BEN: SHH! Don't point that out to the audience.
LUKE: Oh—sorry.

HAN: Lando, you're leading the starfighter attack against the Death Star?
LANDO: Yep! I just love the way the big ball looks!
HAN: Why'd they pick you? You're a little pansy.
LANDO: [Playful slap on the shoulder] Oh, stop it, you!

MON MOTHMA: Look... I'm one of the only three or four females shown in the movie, so I'm the boss.
ACKBAR: Fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy—
MON MOTHMA: Shh! Let's go kill the Death Star...erm...again.
ACKBAR: Fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy—
MON MOTHMA: SHH!

HAN: We're going to the moon to take down the shield.
LEIA: I'm going. You're sexy.
CHEWIE: ["I'm going. She's sexy."]
LUKE: I'm going... uh... I'M sexy.
LANDO: You sure are, hun.
LUKE: Ew...

EMPEROR: Vader.
VADER: 'Sup, boss?
EMPEROR: It's 'My Lord'
VADER: Oop—sorry. 'Sup, My Lord.
EMPEROR: [rolls eyes] Send the fleet to the other side of the moon.
VADER: Why?
EMPEROR: Just do it.
VADER: [looks at camera and lifts shoes] Air Vader by Nike. 'Just do it'.

HAN: We're requesting access to the planet.
CONTROLLER 1: "[snicker] Okay Imperial shuttle. [snicker]"
HAN: They may be onto us.
LEIA: Look, the shields down.
HAN: Guess we're okay.
CONTROLLER 1: "They don't know that we know. The Emperor said to let—"
CONTROLLER 2: "The comm's still on!"
CONTROLLER 1: "Oh, shi—[click]"
VADER: Ready or not; here I come!

HAN: Let me go over there and attract attention.
LEIA: Okay!
HAN: Yo! [punch]
SCOUT: Go for help!
LUKE: Let's go ride the bikes.
LEIA: Weeeeeee! Whoooooaaaaaa.
EWOK: Yub-yub.

HAN: Where's Leia?
LUKE: Wha? Oh, she must've fallen off.
CHEWIE: ["Here's her helmet."]
HAN: Well, she wouldn't just have taken it off. She must be dead. Let's go.
LUKE: Yeah, okay.

EMPEROR: I told you to stay on the ship.
VADER: My son is on the moon.
EMPEROR: Whaaa!? How come you know, and I don't? You better not betray me!
VADER: I won't.
EMPEROR: Go and wait for him.
VADER: He'll find me?
EMPEROR: Yep. Then bring him up here.
VADER: Aight, dude.
EMPEROR: [ahem]
VADER: Uh, I mean, My Lord.

CHEWIE: [“Look a trap with meat.”]
HAN: Mmmmm… meat…
CHEWIE: [“Should we risk it?”]
HAN: Sure… not like it’s natives who will eat us, or anything.
CHEWIE: [“Okay then!”]
TRAP: [SWOOSH!]
EWOK: Yub-Yub!
HAN: …crap…
C-3PO: Goodness-gracious me.
EWOK: [Gasp!] … [bows and chants]
C-3PO: They think I’m a god.
LUKE: Sweet

EWOK CHIEF: [“We’re gonna eat you! Get in our bellies!”]
LEIA: No! They’re my friends!
EWOKS: So, we have to fee the golden-one.
C-3PO: [Levitates] BOO!
EWOKS: AAUUGHH!
EWOK CHIEF: [“Okay, we’ll help you fight the Empire.”]
LUKE: [To Han] Did we ask for that?
HAN: [To Luke] No, so shut up!

LUKE: Vader is my father.
LEIA: No… that’s not true… it’s not possible.
LUKE: Pssh! That’s what I said… but Yoda confirmed it.
LEIA: Whoa… mind-trip, man.
LUKE: I’m not done. You’re my sister.
LEIA: Naaah! No, way. We look nothing alike.
LUKE: Shh!
LEIA: Oh—sorry.
LUKE: I have to go save him.
LEIA: Okay then. Lemme go cry on Han.

VADER: Ah, son. Welcome back.
LUKE: Turn back to the light.
VADER: No, way, man! Being evil kicks ass!
LUKE: Look what I made, Dad!
VADER: Oooo… green…
LUKE: Okay, let’s go home.
VADER: Nope, gotta take you to the Emperor.
LUKE: …crap…

EWOKS: [“We’ll distract them. You go inside.”]
HAN: Yeah, okay.
LEIA: We’ve set the charges! Let’s run out into the trap.
HAN: Okay!

LANDO: Everybody’s here, sweetie!
ACKBAR: Fishy, fishy, fishy—ahem! Prepare to go to Hyperspace on my signal.
LANDO: Okay. [Flips switch] Oops… guess I don’t listen well.
ACKBAR: Fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy…

EMPEROR: Ah, young Skywalker. How are you?
LUKE: A little confused, angry, upset—
EMPEROR: It was a rhetorical question.
LUKE: Oh… well, excuuuuuuse me.
EMPEROR: Let me turn you.
LUKE: Nope.
EMPEROR: Your Dad is mine.
LUKE: We’re all going to be dead.
EMPEROR: Your fleet? Yes, I know about it.
LUKE: [Looks out viewport]
EMPEROR: [sticks fingers in ears and sticks out tongue] MY FLEET’S BIGGER THAN YOURS!
LUKE: It’s not fair! I’m telling Dad! Oh, wait…
EMPEROR: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!

LANDO: Everyone here?
WING LEADERS: Yes.
LANDO: Let’s go spank their bottoms!
WING LEADERS: [roll their eyes]
NIEN NUNB: [“We’re being jammed.”]
LANDO: They knew we were coming. TURN AROUND.
ACKBAR: FISHY! IT’S A TRAP!
LANDO: Well, doi, you silly fish!

TIE FIGHTERS: [BLAST! BLAM! BZZZT! POW!]
REBEL PILOTS: *Ouch*

EMPEROR: We’re killing your friends! We’re killing your friends!
LUKE: STOP IT!
EMPEROR: Here’s your lightsaber; come kill me.
LUKE: No, I don’t want to. It’ll take more than the deaths of no-name pilots to anger me.
EMPEROR: We’ll see… we’ll se…
VADER: [FART] Oops—s’cuse me.

STORMTROOPER: We have the Rebels.
C-3PO: Hello! Come over here so we can attack you!
SCOUTTROOPER: Go get them!
TROOPS: Yes’sir!
EWOKS: [“ATTACK! Look! Our small rocks work against their armor! Who would’ve guessed?!”]
TROOPS: *Ouch*

HAN: Let’s go blow this thing up now.
LEIA: We can’t the door is locked.
R2-D2: [“Move. Let me do it”]
STORMTROOPER: [BLAST!]
R2-D2: *Ouch*
STORMTROOPER: [BZZZT!]
LEIA: You shot me! That really hurt! Honestly… who shoots a princess?
HAN: Lemme grope your cheast really quick while I help you up.
LEIA: Whoo! Feisty! [Shoots STORMTROOPER]
HAN: I love you.
LEIA: NOW you tell me?! I’ve already slept with Lobot! I love bald men.
HAN: …crap…

EMPEROR: Luke, come watch again.
LUKE: What now?
EMPEROR: It’s my new toy; watch.
DEATH STAR II: [BLAM!]
REBEL SHIPS: *Ouch*
LUKE: [Ignites Lightsaber]
DARTH VADER: [Blocks LUKE’s blow]
EMPEROR: Heh-heh-heh-heh-[COUGH!]

LUKE: I won’t fight you…um…anymore.
VADER: Oh, yeah? [Attacks!]
LUKE: I can feel the good in you.
VADER: Who’s yo daddy?!
LUKE: You can’t kill me. I’m your son.
VADER: Blah-blah-blah… let’s fight.

HAN: Charges are set, let’s go.
LEIA: We did it! Yay!
HAN: Wait! I have to get behind this glass before the charges go off.
LEIA: What glass, Han?
HAN: Oh, yeah… what glass?! There’s no glass there. [Nervous laughter]
IMPERIAL BASE: *Ouch*

VADER: Come out, come out, wherever you are.
LUKE: No. You’ll never get me, or my sister. Oop—crap!
VADER: I’m gonna get your sister! I’m gonna get your sister!
LUKE: NEVER! [Attacks, chopping off VADER’s hand] There… we’re even.
EMPEROR: Good… use your anger. Now take his place. Never liked him anyway.
LUKE: No, I’m a Jedi.
EMPEROR: Oh, well that works too. [LIGHTING]
LUKE: *Ouch*

EMPEROR: You die now!
LUKE: Dad! Help!
VADER: [Thinking] Emperor…Son…Emperor…Son…Emperor…Son…
EMPEROR: This is fun! [More Lightning]
LUKE: DAD! ANYTIME NOW!
VADER: [Picks up Emperor]
EMPEROR: He-he-he! That tickles!
VADER: [Throws him down the power shaft.]
EMPEROR: *Ouch*

LUKE: Dad, are you okay?!
VADER: No, my circuits are shot. Leave me.
LUKE: No, we can save you.
VADER: Nah, I’m old and tired. Lemme look at you once more.
LUKE: [Removes VADER’s mask] Pew! It stinks! When’s the last time you took a bath? And try to use some antibiotic. Those cuts look nasty.
VADER: Sorry… can’t see well without my mask. You ARE a boy, right?
LUKE: Yes, Dad!
VADER: Now, go. Save yourself. Just remember one thing:
LUKE: What’s that, Father?
VADER: Air Vader… Just…do…it. [dies]
LUKE: [Flies away]

LANDO: The shield is down. That sexy hunk of man, Han, must’ve done it!
WEDGE: Let’s go in and blow it up.
LANDO: It’ll be tight, but I love a tight fit.
WEDGE: [Shudders] Too much information.
LANDO: [Girlish Giggle] Not, that silly. Clothes.
WEDGE: [Shoots torpedoes at Power Core]
DEATH STAR II: *Ouch*

GALAXY CITIZENS: Ding-dong, the old dude’s gone. Which old dude? The Sith old dude. Ding-dong, wicked Sith is gone!
EWOKS: [“Yay! Our rocks worked!”]
LANDO: Go rainbow patrol!
WEDGE: Don’t touch me, Lando!
HAN: I love you, Leia!
ANAKIN/YODA/OBI-WAN GHOSTS: You did it, boy.
LUKE: Wait—Now, what?


[END CREITS]